Novel Bin Chapter 452: Thinking (2)
Chapter 452: Thinking (2)
Kang Jin-Ho quietly fake-coughed. “Mm... I understand most of what you\'re telling me, but I\'m still having some difficulty figuring out why others are being influenced by my actions. Why do you say that was…”
“That\'s because you shine so much,” Choi Yeon-Ha cut Kang Jin-Ho off first.
“I... shine? What?”
“Yes. More correctly, I\'d say you... Rather than shine, you stand out a lot, Mister Jin-Ho. You\'re very noticeable, you know? Doesn\'t matter what you\'re doing, you just stand out like a brilliant light bulb. When I\'m looking at you from the sidelines, I keep getting this... feeling? It\'s like, Aha, that man is fearlessly walking on the path of life he has set for himself. Something like that.”
“M-my path of life?”
“Yes, that.” Choi Yeon-Ha nodded. “You don\'t get distracted, you don\'t even look back, and you don\'t have any regrets... It\'s always forward, forward and forward with you.”
“...”
“I\'m not trying to be sarcastic, Mister Jin-Ho. That\'s what you\'re really like, after all. Since that\'s the case, people start thinking, \'Aha, which means all I gotta do now is follow that guy.\'?If that\'s not it, then they might go, I gotta get myself a goal, too, and put more effort into my life.”
“Mm...”
“I can\'t speak for other people, but me? I definitely belong to the latter category. I always thought I was unwaveringly striving toward achieving my goal, the one I set for myself... But I was mistaken. If I had been truly unwavering, my career wouldn\'t have been suddenly blown off course just because you entered my life, Mister Jin-Ho.”
“...I\'m sorry?”
Her career was blown off course? Since when? And how? Kang Jin-Ho thought that it was hard to fathom what Choi Yeon-Ha was even talking about sometimes.
“In any case, that\'s how it is,” said Choi Yeon-Ha. “I wish to be more proactive in my life now, you see? I get this hunch that I would never feel like an equal to you if I keep living like how I\'ve been doing lately.”
“Miss Yeon-Ha, I\'m not as amazing as you think.”
“Mister Jin-Ho?”
“Yes?”
“Stop being a hateful jerk, okay?”
“...?!” Kang Jin-Ho\'s cheeks twitched.
However, Choi Yeon-Ha stared back at him with an expression that said his reaction was a bit too annoying. “This thing about being humble? It depends on the person, you see? Imagine the President of our country trying to be humble and say he\'s not as popular as you think! No one will think he\'s being humble, right?”
“N-no, I\'m really not as...” Kang Jin-Ho was about to defend himself only to clamp his mouth shut. \'Wait... maybe she has a point?\'
Several opposing ideas began clashing inside Kang Jin-Ho\'s head just then. He couldn\'t see himself as someone worthy of the label \'Amazing\' just yet. He used to lord over heaven and earth in the past, after all. It was just that Kang Jin-Ho wasn\'t interested in things like butting into other people\'s business, expanding his sphere of influence or the political situations of the mundane world. If he was, though... If Kang Jin-Ho was just a little more interested in external matters, then the whole of Zhongyuan would have gone through so many upheavals.
Compared to himself from those days, Kang Jin-Ho of now seemed so plain and mundane. However, there was this one wrinkle in that thought process, and it would be...
\'...What about the Martial Assembly, then?\'
Even if Kang Jin-Ho wanted to say, no, he wasn\'t someone amazing or something similar, he knew he couldn\'t add the word \'ordinary\' next to his name when the Martial Assembly was under his control. He hadn\'t been aware of it until now or given it much thought, but Choi Yeon-Ha\'s words made him realize the truth. Kang Jin-Ho had already fulfilled the criteria of an \'amazing\' man—someone with a major accomplishment.
“You look like you finally can see the light, Mister Jin-Ho,” said Choi Yeon-Ha.
“...Yes, I do.”
Choi Yeon-Ha beamed brightly at that. “Yes, that is exactly why. If I wish to stand with you, I also need to learn to stand up for myself, by myself. And that\'s why I\'m doing this. I must not become someone who shines because I stand next to you, but... But help you shine more because I\'m standing right next to you. That is who I wish to become.”
Kang Jin-Ho furrowed his brow. “Am I really worthy enough for you to go this far?”
“Of course you are,” Choi Yeon-Ha nodded as a smile floated on her lips. That smile was completely different from all the others she had shown so far. It looked a little more relaxed. A little warmer than before, too.
A smile that Kang Jin-Ho probably saw when they were trapped in the tunnel together.
“To me, you\'re the coolest person alive in the whole world, Mister Jin-Ho.”
***
Vroom...
Kang Jin-Ho was driving home in silence, his thoughts a jumbled mess.
\'I can\'t figure this out...\'
Objectively speaking, the label of an \'amazing person\' did suit Kang Jin-Ho. However, Choi Yeon-Ha had no clue what Kang Jin-Ho had achieved in life or the status he currently enjoyed. What she had done to arrive at the conclusion of an \'amazing person\' was judge Kang Jin-Ho solely on his... \'daily\' actions.
And that was something Kang Jin-Ho couldn\'t comprehend.
\'Goals, is it...?\'
Choi Yeon-Ha said the sight of Kang Jin-Ho always running forward without looking back even once was what drew people to him. However, Kang Jin-Ho was getting this intense disharmony, this incredibly choking sense of disconnect, from those words.
\'What... goals do I even have?\'
When he thought about it, the word \'goal\' probably suited him the least in this world.
During Kang Jin-Ho\'s first life, he had precisely zero goals. He only continued to live because his body kept breathing on its own. A disabled man who lost his entire family to a car accident would obviously not have much motivation to better his life.
During his second life, though, Kang Jin-Ho did have a goal. And it was to survive. His second attempt at life had taught him the \'preciousness of life\' that his first try failed to show him. Unfortunately, a life lived solely for the sake of survival ended up as an utter failure.
In that case, what about now?
At first, Kang Jin-Ho\'s goal was to merely live like an ordinary person. However, his current self had drifted so far away from that goal that it was laughable even to think about using that word next to his name now.
Then, what was his other goal?
\'...A person who can reach out to others?\'
Kang Jin-Ho recalled the face of the late orphanage director. Sister Yi\'s smiling face quickly filled his mind.
\'Someone who can accept the hands reaching out to me...\'
Kang Jin-Ho suddenly thought that humans were rather fickle creatures. It hadn\'t been that long ago when those words resonated deeply within Kang Jin-Ho\'s soul. But now?
While using this reason and that excuse, plus various other incidents happening around him, Kang Jin-Ho gradually moved away from that \'goal\' and began focusing on pretty much his own life.
The \'goal\' Choi Yeon-Ha talked about? Kang Jin-Ho didn\'t have one. And Choi Yeon-Ha had mistaken Kang Jin-Ho\'s abnormally-obsessive driven nature as him focusing on his future and constantly running forward.
A good comparison would be a rally race car flying across a nameless desert. Its engine was revving at full tilt, but the GPS was malfunctioning, making it a fast-moving vehicle that didn\'t know where it was heading.
In other words, simply a fast race car without meaning. That was probably why the \'goal\' Choi Yeon-Ha spoke of had shaken up Kang Jin-Ho\'s heart so badly like this.
Park Yu-Min\'s goal was to become the best pro gamer. Ju Yeong-Gi already found himself a goal of turning Kang Jin-Ho\'s pizzeria into a franchise and raking in a ton of money.
Kang Eun-Yeong began her training at a young age with the sole aim of becoming the top idol in the country. Choi Yeon-Ha, arguably still the top actress in the country, wasn\'t satisfied by Korea\'s tiny market and decided to travel to China for the much larger and greener pasture on the other side.
\'Ah... So everyone has it.\'
Kang Jin-Ho hadn\'t been aware of it, but after looking back... It felt like everyone around Kang Jin-Ho was doing their best to reach their dreams and goals. However, what about Kang Jin-Ho himself?
He used to offer advice and secretly assist people around him like some kind of a big shot, but the truth was... Did he have a goal or a dream he could work toward?
Kang Jin-Ho grimaced and shook his head. Because he didn\'t have.
He didn\'t have any in this era!
Screeeeech!
Kang Jin-Ho suddenly yanked at the steering wheel. His red supercar quickly slipped out of Seoul\'s outer ring road and entered the national highway system. Without saying a word, Kang Jin-Ho kept driving and driving before finding a deserted roadside to stop the car.
He parked the Lamborghini and walked toward a grassy mound near the road. After reaching the top, Kang Jin-Ho stood still and looked up at the night sky above.
It was so dark. A night sky without a single star. The dense darkness so deep and still that it might suck in anyone daring to stare at it for too long, filled Kang Jin-Ho\'s vision.
Once upon a time, Kang Jin-Ho\'s wish was as simple as seeing this sky again. No one could escape from the vast expanses of the sky, after all.
No matter where he went, the starry night sky was always above his head, and those days were some of the most painful in his life. Kang Jin-Ho would dream... No, fantasize, in those days. He\'d fantasize that after closing and opening his eyes, the skies above would no longer sparkle with stars... and that he\'d have escaped that barbaric world and returned to the place he used to call home. And...
After what seemed like an eternity, Kang Jin-Ho had finally achieved that dream. But now...
Was that all?
Click!
Kang Jin-Ho lit the cigarette stuck between his lips. Its end sizzled softly as it glowed weakly in the darkness. Without saying anything, Kang Jin-Ho stared at the burning cigarette.
\'...Nothing lasts forever.\'
His dream once upon a time was to return to this era. After he achieved that dream, his next goal was to live like an ordinary person in a world supposedly free from violence and barbaric behaviors.
But it didn\'t take him long to learn that dream was unattainable. And he also realized that being too hung-up on living like an ordinary person could actually ruin his life instead. So, he shifted his focus from ordinariness to living a more... \'convenient\' life.
Didn\'t he receive something else from Sister Yi, too?
However, what about now? What was Kang Jin-Ho living for right now?
Obviously, a person didn\'t need a reason to live. Humans weren\'t born with a purpose in mind, after all. Even so...
Images of his friends popped up in Kang Jin-Ho\'s mind.
\'So... I shine in their eyes? Is that what she said?\'
Kang Jin-Ho sighed loudly. It was supposed to be the other way around. Choi Yeon-Ha said Kang Jin-Ho shone brightly in her eyes, but in Kang Jin-Ho\'s eyes, they were the shining ones here, not him.
Objectively speaking, the observation about Kang Jin-Ho not looking back and moving forward all the time was wrong. It was just that he didn\'t know how to look behind him.
Kang Jin-Ho didn\'t know how to worry about the people around him and was very bad at reflecting on things he had done in the past. Nothing was amazing or grand about that. He was simply charging ahead like a fool who had no idea what he was doing, yet other people mistakenly saw that as something else.
Kang Jin-Ho\'s past self wouldn\'t have cared what others thought about him. There was no point, anyway. However, what about now?
Kang Jin-Ho raised his head and stared at the night sky again. The darkness of the heavens looked down on him.
\'Am I supposed to change?\'
But... for what purpose?
Kang Jin-Ho closed his eyes. He only lived for himself in the past. After his return, he tried to live only for his family. A little while later, though, he began thinking about the people around him, too. So...
So, did that mean he must take another step forward? For what, though?
Kang Jin-Ho had a good idea of where to find the answer. It should be hiding somewhere in his heart. That had to be it since that seemed like the only explanation for this frustration clogging his chest.
Click...
Kang Jin-Ho pulled out a new cigarette and lit it up. Its smoke gently drifted into the night sky before dispersing.
Once he calmed his mind, his thoughts focused on the \'issue\' at hand again.
\'My goal, is it...?\'
And that issue was Kang Jin-Ho\'s lack of goals in life. That was the difference between him and the people in his life. Even Jo Gyu-Min was motivated by a solid and realistic goal of assisting Kang Jin-Ho. There was no need to even mention the others.
Kang Jin-Ho might be the biggest influencing factor in their lives, but in an ironic twist, Kang Jin-Ho himself didn\'t have a goal like them. And to be clear, living for his family or aiming for an ordinary life wasn\'t a goal. No, that was merely his wish.
A goal was supposed to be a specific milestone, a realistic one at that, that could be reached someday by putting in enough effort.
“My liege... What exactly do you live for?”
Kang Jin-Ho suddenly heard Azure Demon\'s voice asking that question echoing in his memories. And then...
“Why do you wish to learn martial arts, boy?”
And then, Kang Jin-Ho heard his master\'s voice. His master, whom he missed so much...
Kang Jin-Ho continued to think and think for a long, long time with his eyes closed. After what seemed like hours later, Kang Jin-Ho opened his eyes, took out a new cigarette and mouthed it. Then, to the night sky, he quietly muttered, “...Azure Demon.”
That was the name of a man who spent his entire life assisting Kang Jin-Ho... Only to betray him in the end.
However, rather than resentment, that name evoked a sense of remorse in Kang Jin-Ho. After muttering that name, regret slowly washed over Kang Jin-Ho.
“It\'s... not that easy or simple to live a life, Azure Demon.”
Kang Jin-Ho\'s voice sounded bitter. Lonely, perhaps.
“If you were still here... Could you have given me an answer?”
Azure Demon always gave him an answer. He wasn\'t just a simple subordinate but a trusted adviser. And a close friend, too. Although, Kang Jin-Ho wasn\'t aware of that at the time.
“My liege, the answer is always within you. And I merely try my best to understand and interpret it.”
“...What a heartless bastard,” Kang Jin-Ho chuckled hollowly.
Of course, Azure Demon wouldn\'t reply to him now. However, the words ringing in Kang Jin-Ho\'s head eerily sounded like something Azure Demon might say.
While mulling over that \'answer\', Kang Jin-Ho remained unmoving from the spot, unable to leave for a long while.