Imperfect Desires

579 A Gut Feeling

Darren had noticed it on plenty of occasions and right now, it was way too obvious that Xiu wasn\'t really enthusiastic to discuss kids. Even earlier at the Jing House, when Francesca was playing with little Ava, she kept mentioning how she wanted Xiu and Darren to have a cute child like Ava, Xiu\'s behavior was odd. She kept avoiding this discussion at all costs.

No matter what, she\'d always find a way to digress from this topic. As if she just didn\'t want to even mention it. In fact, Darren had never heard her say that she was looking forward to starting a family with him. Her idea of a family never involved a child. But why? Or was it just his own assumptions? At first, he thought she just wasn\'t ready but now...

"Sweets? You really don\'t plan on having a kid?"

Xiu bit her bottom lip before she softly replied, "Is it necessary to have a child? Can\'t we be enough for each other?" She took a brief pause before adding, "To be honest, I really never thought about having a kid. The idea is already very scary for me."

Darren didn\'t think she would say it so straightforwardly. "So, you don\'t want to have a kid with me?"

Xiu hugged him even tighter to hold back her anxiousness as she replied, "I can do anything for you. Even if it\'s having a kid, I won\'t hesitate. But..." she licked her dry lips before continuing, "I need some time. I\'d need a lot of willpower to accept a kid between us. So, you need to give me some time for this. Right now, I\'m not in the best of my condition to think of planning a family." She kissed the side of his jaw as she went on, "Besides, we just got married. Isn\'t there a whole lot of years ahead of us to think about kids?"

Darren could tell she was holding back on something. The idea of a kid really scared her. He could still feel her slightly trembling. This wasn\'t just fear, it felt more like she was panicking.

Since Darren say anything else, it allowed Xiu to just close her eyes and not dwell over it. However, her brain had some other plans...

*Flashback*

"Sister Xiu, you shouldn\'t have come to this party," Han Bohai had been constantly saying the same thing from the time they entered this party. The party was thrown by a famous designer at her home in celebration of her engagement. Chen Xiu being the designer\'s muse was also invited. "Your health is more important."

Taking a flute from the waiter, Chen Xiu looked at Han Bohai who was anxious over nothing and said, "Xiao Han, my only chronic illness is that I\'m tested positive for infinite depression. It\'s not like if I rest at home, this will get better. So, why not let me enjoy it while I can?"

Chen Xiu patted her assistant\'s head saying, "Aiyo, Xiao Bobo! At this age, everything is changing. Day by day we don\'t even notice. Sometimes we are strong, sometimes we are weak. Sometimes we are the life of a party, other times we become introvert hiding in a corner. Sometimes we feel like laughing and other times, we feel like crying. Sometimes we act like we don\'t care but we actually do care, a lot! Sometimes, we are simple and sometimes we are really complicated."

Han Bohai rubbed his forehead as he asked, "And your point is?"

Chen Xiu cleared her throat as she said, "My point is, if everything is changing, it won\'t be fair if our feelings stayed the same, right?" Han Bohai\'s eyes widened as he looked at her. "I\'m not saying that my feelings will change overnight but if I won\'t learn to see him with his wife, I won\'t be able to walk on. It\'s better to get the reins of my feelings in my own hands." She ruffled his hair gently as she added, "Didn\'t you say, \'Your self-respect has to be stronger than your feelings\'? I\'m just following your advice now. It\'s time I value my self-respect more than my feelings. There are millions who love me, why should I care about only one who walked away?"

Han Bohai was feeling really happy to hear that she had decided to think about herself for once. He genuinely believed that she was strong enough to get through this phase. If she could fight with her depression for years on her own, she could do anything. But...

"Sister Xiu, as much as I\'m happy to hear that... I still don\'t feel good. I don\'t why but I feel like something is about to happen tonight. It\'s a gut feeling I can\'t get rid of."

Chen Xiu didn\'t really take his words seriously as she said, "I read somewhere that \'A gut feeling is actually every cell in your body making a decision(~Deepak Chopra).\' Don\'t overthink it."

Han Bohai rolled his eyes, "Between the two of us, you should be the one who should give up on overthinking."

"What do you mean?"

"Dear sister, it\'s you who loves to overthink, overlove, overfeel, and even overstress."

Chen Xiu couldn\'t find a way to argue with that statement. "Stop insulting me." With that, she whipped around to leave but her heel got stuck with the carpet and trying to find the balance she bumped into a server.

"Sister Xiu!" Han Bohai hurried up to support her but the wine had already stained her white gown. "This is why I tell you to stop wearing white so much. It looks like mourning clothes. And now it even got stained. Again!"

Chen Xiu gaped at Han Bohai, "Xiao Han, can you stop rebuking me for a minute?"

"Ms. Chen, are you alright? Did you get hurt?"

Chen Xiu looked up and smiled at the hostess of this party and replied, "It\'s alright. I didn\'t get hurt at all."

"But your dress is..." the hostess looked troubled but before Chen Xiu could say anything she went on, "How about you change into one of my gowns?"

"That won\'t be necessary though," said Chen Xiu.

"I insist."

Due to the insistence, Chen Xiu decided to just take the offer. She changed into a champagne color gown upstairs in a guest room.

"You always look gorgeous in all of my designs."

Chen Xiu blushed faintly, "You\'re flattering me."

"I\'ll be waiting downstairs. You should join us after you get ready."

"Okay."

After looking herself up and down in the mirror, Chen patted her own cheeks in encouragement and took a deep breath before she walked out of the room.

"I didn\'t think you\'d dare to come here?" Hearing the voice, she didn\'t wish to hear, Chen Xiu was feeling frustrated. She looked up to see Liu Nuan leaning against the railing. And when Chen Xiu tried to walk past her, she stopped her way as she said, "Just how shameless are you? After those rumors of you trying to be my husband\'s mistress, you still have the face to show up at the same party as us? I knew you actresses had no shame but you nauseate me."

Chen Xiu wasn\'t irked by her nonsense chattering but something did catch her attention. "Are you the one who released those rumors?"

"Those are not just rumors though. Aren\'t you trying to tear apart my marriage?"

"Don\'t be delusional. Why would I go after a married man?"

Liu Nuan pushed Xiu\'s shoulder as she went on, "Huh! As if people like you care whether the other person is married or not. You just want their money and status. And if Zhou Jinhai is willing to offer all that with that status of a mistress, you won\'t hesitate in taking it."

"Watch what you say! Just because I\'m being polite doesn\'t mean I\'ll take whatever bullshit you throw my way. I might be a nice person but every nice person also has a limit. Don\'t try to challenge that limit of mine." Chen Xiu was infuriated now. "Maybe your life is revolving around your husband but mine certainly ain\'t going to revolve around a man. And I, Chen Xiu would not take this insult of being someone\'s mistress! Get that through your thick skull! I even terminated my contract with his company to keep my distance from him."

Liu Nuan was raging now that Chen Xiu dared to talk back to her. This never happened before. Just as Chen Xiu was about to leave again, she spoke up, "I hate you. I hate you so much that I can\'t even describe it in words. It\'s because of you that I always feel fear. I feel uncertain even though I\'m married to him. I can\'t even tell where I stand in his life."

"If you are uncertain about where you stand in someone\'s life, have a seat; you don\'t."

"You!" Liu Nuan raised her hand to slap Chen Xiu but her wrist was caught by Chen Xiu who smirked in reply.

"Did I say something wrong? If someone makes you feel uncertain, that only means they don\'t have feelings for you. Besides, stolen goods are just stolen in the end."

Seeing how she wasn\'t able to argue with Chen Xiu, Liu Nuan huffed, stomped, and turned to descend the stairs. But just as she was about to take a step down, she felt a wave of vertigo come over. Losing her footing, she screamed. Chen Xiu just heard her scream and stepped up to hold her hand but before she could, Liu Nuan had already fallen from the stairs.

Chen Xiu was stunned to her place. A pool of blood started gathering under Liu Nuan which made Chen Xiu feel frozen at her spot.

*End of Flashback*