I’m Really a Superstar

“That was a godly reversal!”

“Ahahahaha!”

“Someone help me up! I can’t get up! I’m laughing too hard!”

“Zhang Ye, you’re too naughty! So it was waiting right at the end!”

“Aiyah, I can’t take it anymore! I can’t take it anymore! This joke segment is so freaking classic!”

“Where’s a pen? I must jot it down! Just learning a tiny bit from Teacher Zhang will make you invincible when cursing throughout the world!”

The whole studio was enveloped in laughter. This could be the loudest decibel reaction to a joke segment since the beginning of “Zhang Ye’s Talk Show”.

Dong Shanshan was laughing with her face covered!

Wang Bei laughed until her high heels came off!

Ah Qian and Little Yu hammered on their own thighs with joy!

Sister Four and the other cameramen covered their mouths as they laughed. They were the closest to the audio receivers and didn’t want to affect the live broadcast. They held it in, but it was too difficult as tears rolled down their eyes. They nearly fainted from laughing too much and almost affected their recording work!

What the JB* is this?

We thought that after your explanation of Lee Parkwoo, we would realize that he’s a good person! In the end, Zhang Ye came up with such a line! Hahaha! What were you even thinking! This reversal transition was freaking unexpected! Teacher Zhang Ye! By doing this, you will make Lee Parkwoo cry! He’ll really cry!

Some people found it irksome.

The black guy frowned, “Why are you cursing!?”

Zhang Ye blinked his eyes, “Cursing? Who cursed? I said ‘Jīn Bì (coins)’. You don’t know what JB means? Oh, maybe as a foreigner, you don’t really understand Chinese that well. In our country, JB means Jīn Bì, or coins. JIN BI is the contraction of Hanyu Pinyin. What is Jīn Bì? It’s a very precious thing. It’s very valuable and glamorous. I was praising Teacher Lee Parkwoo’s glamor. When did I swear?”

Black guy, “…*%$##@@@!”

The moment the audience heard it, they were overjoyed, “Hahaha!”

Zhang Ye pointed to the other members of the audience, “If you don’t believe me, ask anyone in the audience. What does JB mean?”

All the audience of the People’s Republic of China shouted in unison, “Of course it’s Jīn Bì (coins)! Hahaha!”

“See, I’m not wrong, right?” Zhang Ye shrugged his shoulders, “This program of ours is very high end, how can we allow such profanities to appear?”

The black guy was nearly about to cry. Your sister! Do you really think I don’t know Chinese!?

The old man off-stage and the company’s Leaders were all at a loss whether to laugh or cry as they looked towards Feng Guiqin, “This new program of yours has such a high yardstick!”

Feng Guiqin had been tickled greatly for long time, she finally managed to catch her breath and said breathlessly, “It’s alright. WebTV does have a higher tolerance as long as it does not use prohibited words or cross the line too obviously.”

Wang Xiong laughed, “I finally understand now. Teacher Little Zhang’s program today is too funny! It can’t be him scolding the Koreans for the entire episode, right?”

Unfortunately, Wang Xiong had really guessed it!

……

The laughter continued on for quite some time that lasted about 5 to 6 seconds. When it died down, Zhang Ye continued to say*, “Speaking of Koreans, I’ve actually always admired them a lot, do you know why? Because the cross-talkers in our country all have to memorize something from young — The Imperial Feast List. Us broadcast majors were also required to memorize this while in school, to practice tongue twisters with it. There is a total of 108 dishes. As a Chinese national, I feel the pain of having to memorize all of it. It consists of the Manchu Han Imperial Feast dishes and I had to memorize it.”

The audience immediately clapped!

“Show us what you can do!”

“Right, recite it!”

Dong Shanshan was stunned. They had never memorized “The Imperial Feast List” before, but a professor had suggested that they practice it, though it was not required.

The other colleagues were also unsure if Zhang Ye could do it.

His world also had “The Imperial Feast List” cross-talk segment. Because it was too traditional, the history of Manchu Han Imperial Feast did not change. So in this world, it still existed. Zhang Ye had checked it out before the broadcast.

Zhang Ye smiled. “Alright then. Let me simply say a short tongue-twisting paragraph. Well, I’ll treat you…steamed lamb, steamed bear’s paw, steamed deer’s tail, roast duck…” Zhang Ye was initially saying it very slowly, but as he spoke, his speed increased, with not a break in between, “Roast hen, roast green goose, stewed pig, stewed chicken, preserved ham, preserved egg, dried ham, sausage, assorted vegetables, smoked chicken with tripe, steamed pig with eight treasures, ducked brewed with glutinous rice, pot-braised pheasant, pot-braised quail, simmered chicken giblets in brine, simmered goose in brine…etc!” With this foundational skill showcased, it was not funny, but in fact, quite stunning. This tongue-twisting paragraph was already much better than many domestic cross-talk actors!

“Alright!”

“Well said!”

Everyone applauded loudly!

Wang Bei and the other hosts also applauded with praise. To be fair, just looking at the basics, they could not compare to Zhang Ye. No wonder his oratorical skills were so good. His foundation was already so solid. Just from this, it could be said that Zhang Ye did not save any effort when learning, he had taken it all in!

But in truth, all of this was credited to the Memory Search Capsules. Zhang Ye had, in recent days, spent all of the Reputation he had acquired on Memory Search Capsules. His memory was full of information now and his basic knowledge was ever increasing. Saying that he could recite it in a cross-talk manner was an understatement. He could even read it backwards without any problem. This was because he was different from those who memorized it traditionally since he could retrieve everything directly from his memory.

With a slight deviation, he had shown his skills in a simple way. Zhang Ye continued with his jokes, “Did you fall asleep while listening to that? I needed to memorize 108 dishes, so I particularly admire my Korean peers. If I were them, it would be so awesome. It would be so much more simpler.” He cleared his throat and said, “I’ll treat you…Kimchi-seumida, Kimchi-seumida, Kimchi-seumida, Kimchi-seumida, Kimchi-seumida…as well as Kimchi-seumida*!”

“Hahaha!”

“Aiyah, that’s too funny!”

“They only have Kimchi!”

The audience burst out into laughter!

Zhang Ye’s continued on, saying helplessly, “But later on, I realized I was wrong. I personally know a Korean cross-talker and found out that their ‘The Imperial Feast List’ was longer than ours. The types of dishes are much more rich in variety.” Seeing that everyone was confused, Zhang Ye said, “First of all, their first 108 dishes are the same as ours!”

Wang Bei, who was just taking a sip of water, had spit it all out!

Ah Qian, who was sitting in front of Wang Bei was sprayed with water on his shoes, but he didn’t care. He was still thumping his thighs and laughing!

The Chinese characters were yours?

The printing press was also yours?

The Dragon Boat Festival also belonged to you?

When Zhang Ye said that their 108 dishes were the same as theirs, it revealed just how despicable the Koreans were in the eyes of the Chinese!

“After memorizing all of these, after the salted duck and chicken, they still needed to add on one more,” Zhang Ye raised his hands and gestured, “From the Changbai mountains to the Bohai Bay that spans 3000 Li, stretching over 5000 years of history, the specialized traditional delicacy of the Republic of Korea — Kimchi-seumida!”

“Hahahaha!”

Bba Bba Bba!

Applause rang out in the midst of laughter!

After Zhang Ye finished one segment, the next one came, “Actually about the names for food, everywhere is different. For example, wanton. In the North, it’s called wanton, while in the Sichuan, it’s called ‘dragon reading hands’, right?” Looking at the audience off-stage, “And in Korea, do you know what it’s called?”

“In Korea?”

“No idea.”

“What’s it called?”

The audience asked curiously.

Zhang Ye raised his hands and made the same exaggerated hand gesture as before, “From the Changbai mountains to the Bohai Bay that spans 3000 Li, stretching over 5000 years of history, the specialized traditional delicacy of the Republic of Korea—Wanton-seumida!”

Just as Zhang Ye said “From the Changbai mountains”, the audience already knew what he was going to say and began to laugh hysterically!

“Aiyah!

“Hahahaha!”

“Let me rest! I can’t laugh any more!”

The audience was in stitches. Those who were easy to humor were already clutching their bellies and laughing!

However, Zhang Ye did not plan on giving the audience a chance to catch their breaths. As a few members of the audience were wiping their tears, the next joke segment came, “When talking about Korea’s delicacies, actually I need to improve everyone’s knowledge,” said Zhang Ye as he noticed someone was about to laugh, “It’s not a joke. It’s really knowledge.”

The audience quietened down to listen.

Some blinked while others were curious.

Zhang Ye looked at everyone and said, “Truthfully, I cannot understand why Koreans like Kimchi so much. Although I like it too. Right? It has a crisp taste that’s sour, sweet, and spicy. Yes, and most importantly, it’s cheap. It’s just such a food, but they can never leave it out. No matter what they eat, they will eat it with Kimchi. So a word of advice to the people sitting in front of your screens and the audience present, if you don’t need to eat Kimchi, try not to eat it. As salted food is carcinogenic!”

Carcinogenic?

Indeed, this was backed by scientific facts!

The audience believed that he was expanding their knowledge, so they listened attentively.

However, Zhang Ye next said, “Well, this is also why when you watch Korean dramas, the moment the couple gets together…after some time, one of them will fall terminally ill!*”

The moment he said that, the audience went into a daze before laughing while clutching their stomachs!

Zhang Ye then pointed to the camera as he stared, “You think it’s because the plot was cliché? No! It’s because of the Kimchi!”

The moment the last phrase, “it’s because of the Kimchi” was said, the audience burst out into laughter!

Many people were laughing and cheering at the same time! Applause filled the entire recording studio!

……

At this moment.

Those watching the live broadcast on the internet were also laughing!

“Teacher Zhang Ye is too awesome!”

“I always knew Teacher Zhang was awesome! I never expected him to be so awesome!”

“Hahahaha! What a great feeling! What a good scolding! Today’s Zhang Ye seems to be imbued with the power of gods!”

“So fun! Actually I came here just to scold those braindead fans, and didn’t know Zhang Ye as a person, but holy f**k! Today, I have realize my ignorance! When did our country have such a coquettish celebrity? And such a nice, relieving and humorous entertainment program? Zhang Ye! I will be your fan from now on!”

“Aiyah, this is f**king hilarious!”

“Is this a concert to screw over Korea?”

“He scolded the Koreans from beginning to end? It feels so good!”

“I’ve never felt as good as I have today!”

“Zhang Ye’s mouth is really f**king defying the heavens. Look and see. Previously, many Korean exchange students and those braindead fans were scolding, now they have all been sent packing by Teacher Zhang Ye’s scolding!”

“How many things exist in Teacher Zhang’s head? Didn’t he just have conflict with Lee Parkwoo earlier today? Then, he had his live broadcast at night. There’s no way he could come up with a script so quickly, and those classic joke segments were followed one after another like they cost nothing! Teacher Zhang Ye’s literary talent is peerless!”

Literary talent?

Did he need any bullsh*t literary talent!?

Joke segments that ridiculed Koreans? Zhang Ye could go on for three days and nights without any repetition!

In Zhang Ye’s world, be it cross talk, or talk show programs, there were only four things to do.

1. Ridicule Korea.

2. Ridicule Japan.

3. Ridicule America.

4… Carry on ridiculing Korea!

*In China, JB is short for 鸡巴 (jī bā), or penis.

*The segment about the 108 dishes to Kimchi causing death in Korean dramas is taken ad verbatim from the

24 Jun 2012 episode (from 02:56 to 06:10) of Wang Zijian’s “Tonight 80’s Talk Show”.

*Seumida (습니다) is an honorific way of ending Korean sentences, so it is often heard in Korean conversations.

*A popular troupe in Korean drama is a sudden terminal illness contracted by one of the main leads. For other common Korean drama troupes, check out this guide.